I found this orange mesh bag on the road the other day during an otherwise blah run.

Based on research carried out by my top-notch assistant, Google Lens, I have ascertained that it could be any of the following:

A potato sack.

The excitement that comes with writing about a potato sack is palpable. This is exactly the kind of buzzy content I want the Trashy Runner to be known for. I mean, if we didn’t have sacks of potatoes, what would we use as a simile for the way someone collapses after being punched? Or what would we call people who sit on the couch too much? Or what kind of skins would TGI Friday’s even sell?

A shallot sack.

Brace yourself, we’re about to wade into shockingly controversial waters. Shallots push the boundaries of who’s in and who’s out when it comes to being an onion. You may not be aware of it, but there is a seething debate about how closely shallots and onions are related. Until 2010, they were thought of as a separate species. But in a landmark decision that would rock the world of produce pedantry, the difference was considered too small, and the segregation of shallots and onions as separate species was finally done away with (according to Wikipedia). Hats off to whoever peeled back the layers of this complicated taxonomy and bridged the tiny divide. I’m sure it was a rewarding moment for all involved.

A chum bag.

Now we’re talking! I don’t live near any sharks, but if someone is dragging a chum bag around, that could all change. I mean, if b movies teach us anything, it’s that anything can happen, even on a modest budget… (Note: My intent was to add a sharknado clip at this point. I searched for the right video for too long and ultimately decided that I was losing my soul in the process…)

A firewood sack.

I do love a good fire. And, as there is a firewood stand that uses these sacks not a quarter of a mile from my house, this is by far the most likely point of origin for this sack. After the excitement of sharknados and scintillating onion/shallot controversy, a sack of firewood might seem a bit dull. But have you ever considered how much potential energy a few pieces of firewood contains? Don’t lie to me. I know you probably haven’t.

Let’s break down the potential.

Assuming that this bag holds about one cubic ft of wood, you’re looking at roughly 150,000 BTU’s (British Thermal Units – the energy necessary to raise one pound of water one degree Fahrenheit). In caloric terms, one BTU is equal to about 250 calories. Fortunately, our world is interesting because we have so few universal standards. While a BTU is measured in pounds and Fahrenheit, a calorie is the amount of energy it takes to raise a gram of water one degree Celsius. Don’t worry, it gets better. When we say calorie, we usually don’t mean calorie, we mean Kcalorie, or 1000 calories. The Kcal is the nutritional unit that makes you feel bad about your favorite snack. Clear?

Can we skip to the answer?

Yes, and I’ll save you the trip to google. Your cubic foot of wood comes out to about 15 days’ worth of caloric survival based on a 2000 kcal/day scale. Disclaimer: I’m a musician and struggling writer, so trust the math at your peril.

Why are you telling me this?

That’s a good question.

What should I do about it?

I guess if you’re into watching calories (or Kcals), you should stick to the shallots and potatoes. Definitely stay away from firewood and campfire food like marshmallows. If the calories aren’t enough to keep you watching your intake, maybe this video is (Warning: not for the faint of heart).